2002-09-23 - 8:35 PM

The concept of just disappearing is so fantastic that it is no wonder so many people attend magic shows. Sometimes, it is not only mirrors. I feel as if I am quite capable of one day just not being around, living out the beautiful concept of "now-you-see-me-now-you-don't." It is gorgeous to know that in three days I could be at the farthest point from where I am right now, beautiful to note that I and everyone are quite capable of simply disappearing into thin air. Cotton candy rapidly dissipating in a salavating mouth, leaving not taste but memory of the taste, single strands of useless sugar unwinding and then ceasing to be real. For a long time, I have loved chaos, been obsessed with changing things around, not allowing myself to become familiar with anything. My favorite book when I was young was a story about a boy named Roger Poger deciding that he was going to walk on his ceiling for the day, just because he was bored, despite the protests of others. I have never realized how this ties in to how I am now until this moment.

Imagine being a comfortable smear on a window and being casually wiped away. Imagine possessing a religious belief and then realizing that it is a fable only. Imagine not knowing that there are other worlds than this one and then being told. It is all very beautiful, regardless of whether or not I currently know why I feel this way.

I am constantly starved for new perspectives. I want to memorize every aspect of a building and when I grow bored, I want to see how it would look if it were collapsed, smoldering, dusty glass and nails. I want to fall in love with the personalities of strangers and then watch them through their identity/mid-life crisis. It is more than morbid curiousity and also the reason I am reluctant to fight off the old unreality, the scary hazed feeling of not being quite real or quite there, a shadowed perception of absurd and useless objects. I am simply afraid it will not come back.