2002-10-10 - 10:55 PM

I am not sure what I mean when I say, "different". I think I mean, everything not this, anything not here. No more red, green, yellow, and blue spotted sheets with secret passage ways in them, no more screeching gray telephone with whispers inside, no more humming computer with angry error noises, no more blue cups of coffee with too much sugar. No more here and no more now, no more this. The shame about things is that, unless you time it right, change is so obscenely gradual that the only time you realize it has occured is when looking back. Everything is process. Process of change, process of thought, process of decomposition. The only changes that are worth a damn are those mind/life-altering catastrophes, moments of stark realization, meteors hitting the Earth, the ones that make you feel like your life is over or, if you are a special kind of person, the ones that make you feel like it has begun. I would like to meet a person like that, so that together we can drink chaos martinis on a large supernova about to collide with an uncharted planet full of dreams. We can force ourselves through different modes of thought and question our preestablished beliefs just for the excitement of it, just for the way you feel when you realize that everything you know is wrong. There are certain thoughts which cause me to pay attention to the black energy flowers in the sky, which are so beautiful and incongruent that one should only wish to have a bouquet of them, plucked right from the center of my eye.